Sergiu Hart's humor page

Research in Progress

Lost

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground, elevation 2,346 feet above sea level, at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

The woman rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat!"

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled, then responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault!"


Mark Twain on the German language
Actual spam message I received (Feb. 11, 2010):
Central Intelligence Agency
City in Carter Lane, next to St.Paul's.
https://www.cia.gov/

Att:

This is letter from the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) You was
reported in this office last year that you have been dealing with some
Nigeria Hoodlums through the internet, which we have monitored you and
confirm that you have sent so much amount of money to some Hoodlums in
the internet through Western Union and Money Gram all in the name of
transaction.

You have been advice to quit every communication that you have with
all those Hoodlums for the main time because we have marked some trace
on there email address and we are trying to get them arrested and if
you insist and continue with them you will be arrested, So right now
you are advice to disconnect communication with them and give us
details about them.

Get back to us as soon as possible.
Mr. Johnson
Central Intelligence Agency

Warning labels

And some new ones from the 2004 Wacky Warning Label Contest (sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch):

"If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product." (on a bottle of drain cleaner)

"Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions."


ZEN JUDAISM

Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court.

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But, first, a little nosh.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

The Torah says, "Love they neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to injuries and instill a violent, war-like nature. Encourage your child to play peaceful games, like "sports doctor."

Enter into your inner self and behold the eye of the soul. Gaze upon your original face before you were even born. Shocked? Remember, this was before the nose job.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

From Zen Judaism: For You a Little Enlightenment by David M. Bader (Harmony Books, 2002) [reprinted with permission]


Doctors and lawyers

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle.

The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wriggles his toes and starts to settle in when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it.

When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight.

As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened. "How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"



A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
--Joseph Campbell

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. --Mitch
Ratliffe

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't
get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a
hammer. --IBM maintenance manual, 1925

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --Pablo Picasso

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy
disk to reach a high shelf. --Sam Ewing

Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins.
--Robert Heinlein (in "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress")

Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. --Jeff Pesis

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were
part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.
--Geraldine Ferraro

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one
that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing;
but most of the time, we aren't either. --Marvin Minsky

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. --Jack Handey

There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. --J.H.Goldfuss

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
--Janet Reno

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by
accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals.  We cause
accidents. --Nathaniel Borenstein

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. --Robert
Orben

Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea--massive,
difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. -Gene Spafford

Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now! --Homer Simpson

A Standard for the Transmission of IP Datagrams on Avian Carriers

Original RFC.

Implementation. Follow-up showing that snails are faster than ADSL.


With Florida's ongoing drought, the following warning has been issued.

Alligator Warning:

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


December 30, 2004 / Washington, D.C. (Associated Press) After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.

Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton).

Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night ."We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks," Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four-five hours. Let's get to work!"

Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts.

Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.

While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president, New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK."

Torre's four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives.

Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately. Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.

Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued a statement today saying, "It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known."

The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive "I Voted Today" stickers.

Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:

Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back until after Bush's term ends. "One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something."

Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect Mrs. Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.


A lawyer friend of mine, in the same firm as Bush's attorney, managed to get his hands on an early draft of President-elect Bush's Inaugural Address. I was touched. Herewith, TOP SECRET:

My fellow Armenians,

As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it.

Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadillos. Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table. That's my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing "Streets of Laredo."

(music break)

A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.

(Zantac commercial)

I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was knee-high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, and especially to pass on. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

(Applause; tears)

We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate.

We used a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must never run our lives.

(Exxon commercial)

The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we muat match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds.

I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.

Thank you, and God help America.


Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."

Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration.

"That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you $15,000 in cash for it!" And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in maybe a year or so...

Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Jake: "Here it is, right here and now, $15,000! Take it or leave it!"

Jake abruptly makes his decision: "Okay," he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.

They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger.

Bill Gates turns around warily and says: "What?"

Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal.

"Don't forget your batteries."


Windows: A 32 bit graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system, originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

But now you can get Microsoft Linux!


Windows and the BSOD

Make money even faster


The best way to accelerate a win95 system is at 9.81 m/s^2
Word was the result of a bargain between Bill Gates and the devil. The devil said, "Give me control of one of your programs, and I will make you the richest man in the world." Word was the one. Unfortunately, the devil, being somewhat deficient in virtue, didn't quite keep his promise. Among other things, he couldn't quite keep his hands off the other Microsoft programs. (JB)
1-800-PSYCH
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
From: Jon Haidt 
Subject: Fwd: Oy Vey!!!!
This is courtesy of Liz Bram

ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av,
Taani Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar
B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB
90.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in
woman. POB 43.

Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable
esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four
of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are
all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.

Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
gefilte fish, but you never returned.  How can I contact you
again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.

Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't
believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt
kosher maydl for marriage.  POB 99.

Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for
honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos,
yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of
dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will
accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just
forget it. POB 435.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah
candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks
non-smoker. POB 787.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very
good. POB 555.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try
it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male,
under 35.  Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.

Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play
"Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.

Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call
them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart
to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in
me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB
86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,
self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing,
track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful buisnessman of any major
Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties.  POB 27

I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from
birth.  Seeking same. POB 46.

Your place or mine?  Divorced man, 42 with fleishig dishes only.
Seekin woman with nice michig set. Object macaroni, POB 77

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get
get. Get it?  I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.  POB 72

Desparately seeking shmoozing!  Retired senior citizen desires
female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.  POB 64

Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.  Would
like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful
Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light
Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs.  Religion not important. PB 658

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent E-mails. They sent out E-mails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone. It's all gone. I lost everything when the power went off."

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated. How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."


>From asch@wharton.upenn.edu Tue Mar 21 08:27:02 2000

When I was in college, some of the bathrooms were tiled, in part to prevent graffiti. However, the result was that a new breed of humor developed that consisted of a one liner that could be written into grout between the tiles.

I was reminded of these by the piece you sent. One was "Jesus saves! Moses invests."

Another one (more relevant to the period when I was in college) was "Save Soviet Jewry! Win valuable prizes!"


>From asch@opim.wharton.upenn.edu Fri Sep 5 07:53 EDT 1997 Subject: If you could take just one thing to a deserted island...

An engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But, where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the engineer.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," the engineer said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a palm tree.

There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the engineer. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the engineer replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't here something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!

"Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL.??"



Why managers make more money

 Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as
 business executives & salesmen. Now we have a mathematical
 proof that explains why this is true:

 Postulate 1:  Knowledge is Power.

 Postulate 2:  Time is Money.

 As every engineer knows,

        Work
     ----------   =  Power
        Time

 Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:

         Work
     -----------   =  Knowledge
        Money

 Solving for Money, we get:

            Work
     ------------------  =  Money
          Knowledge

 Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
 infinity regardless of the Work done.

 Conclusion:  The Less you Know, the More you Make.


Signs of the Global Village times

Source: Polygot International, San Francisco, Ca.

Please leave your values at the front desk....from a Paris hotel elevator

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time......in a Rome laundry

Specialist in women and other diseases....in a Roman physician's office

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.....in an Athens hotel.

It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose...posted in the Black Forest

Special today. No ice cream...in a Swiss mountain inn

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.....in a Swiss restaurant

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose...in a Zurich hotel

In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter...in a Vienna hotel

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable....in a Bucharest hotel lobby

Ladies may have a fit upstairs....outside a Hong Kong tailor shop

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.....outside a Hong Kong dental office

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty....at a Budapest zoo

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid....in a Yugoslavian hotel

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar....in a Norwegian cocktail lounge

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it...in a Moscow hotel

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid....in a Japanese hotel

Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself...from a Japanese guide on hotel air conditioner use

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run...in a Tokyo shop

A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers...from an East African newspaper

The manager has personally passed all the water served here....in an Acapulco hotel

Courtesy of:

Shelly Kessler, Deputy Executive Director, INCLEN, Inc.
3600 Market Street, Suite 380, Philadelphia, Pa. 19104
E-MAIL 531-3031@mcimail.com


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.

(P)=PROBLEM
(S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics


CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.


Crying Fowl

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

"Use a thawed chicken."


Psychology humor
Driving in Boston
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

* On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not use while clothes on body.

* On Boot's Toddler's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.



TEACHING MATH THROUGH THE YEARS

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing way several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K (year 2000) projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?


Murphy's Laws Of IT

1- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, then it's probably obsolete.
3- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4- When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5- For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction
6- To err is human... to really screw things up royally requires a computer.
7- He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
9- The No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
10- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."     -- J. Danforth
Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother
and child." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen.  If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
       -- J. Danforth Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
        -- J. Danforth Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't
live in this century." -- J. Danforth Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy -- but that could change."          -- J. Danforth Quayle,
5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- J. Danforth Quayle,
12/6/89

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- J.
Danforth Quayle

"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments
in the Future."
 -- J. Danforth Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- J. Danforth Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history."        -- J. Danforth
Quayle

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have
a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."        -- J.
Danforth Quayle

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- J. Danforth
Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- J. Danforth
Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- J. Danforth Quayle,
9/5/90

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."        -- J.
Danforth Quayle

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- J.
Danforth Quayle

"Engineers Vs Lawyers"

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a
conference.  At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats
but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them.  Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door
and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money. When they get to the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed
lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train
departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and
walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Useful English System conversions/units:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
One millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1
lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 
bananosecond
A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a 
single step,"  the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
1 million billion picolos: 1 gigolo
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
10 millipedes: 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent
10 monologs: 5 dialogs
5 dialogs: 1 decalog
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2 wharves: 1 paradox
100 Senators: Not 1 decision

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MAY BE CONSIDERED 'SICK HUMOR'

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs.Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


Cape Times, South Africa, 6/13/96

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues.

"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.

"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed."

BTW, the headline of the newspaper story was, "Cleaner Polishes Off Patients."