Desparately
Seeking Self
“My photos for my self-portrait project turned out
pretty well,” freshman Laura Goldberg told her boyfriend
back home in Cleveland.
It was November, and she was working on a project for her
class, The Self-Portrait. The interdisciplinary course pulled
apart some of the tricks and props that artists use to represent
themselves in literature, art, drama, and Älm. Besides the
usual analytic work, the class had an end-of-term creative
project.
“ Cool,” replied the boyfriend. “I’m
glad that worked out.” “ I hope you don’t
mind,” she followed up, “The photos are nude.”
“ Oh no!” he exclaimed. “If someone else
sees you nude, what does that say about you?”
In the conÅagration that went up, the boyfriend’s
protestation posed a query that was surprisingly pertinent.
What others thought, it turned out, became an integral part
of the “self” Goldberg tried to portray in her
portrait.
“ We wanted the students to experience what it would
be like to try and do this thing they’d been analyzing
all semester,” explains instructor Catriona MacLeod,
an associate professor of Germanic languages and literature.
Tina Lu, an assistant professor of Asian and Middle Eastern
studies, and Victoria Coates, Gr’98, a lecturer in
art history, co-taught The Self-Portrait with MacLeod.
An avid photographer, Goldberg decided early on to use photos
of herself. She posed nude because clothing choices might
reveal something of her personality. “You just see
a body,” she explains. “You’re not gonna
know there’s a real me, an ‘essential self,’ if
you just see the outside of me.”
Goldberg, who has “horrible” eyesight, also
blurred the images—a montage of body parts—to
mimic how the world looks to her when she’s not wearing
contacts. Initially she planned to Äll in the background
with painted objects that “represent me” and
call the work 20/400, the measure of her visual acuity. Then
her boyfriend “Åipped out.”
“ No way was I going to compromise my project or artistic
vision for him,” she insists, describing the two-hour
phone discussion, the tears, the heated back and forth.
After conÄding to her journal the argument with her boyfriend,
Goldberg lifted some of the recurring lines she uttered in
her defense and used them as a red-over-black grafÄti background
for the photographs. “I’m innocent,” plead
the red words. “I didn’t mean to.” In black: “such
a big deal;” “it’s just a school project;” “it’s
art;” “will you still love me?”
In the Äre of feelings, Goldberg found that her self-portrait
was “tainted” by this other self, so she called
it Tainted by Love. “The whole project was changed
because of love,” she elaborates. “My emotions
and my project were both tainted by someone close to me.”
If you look closely at a bottom corner of Tainted, in dark-blue
lettering obscured by overwritten text, you can make out
an “I’m Sorry.”
Goldberg got an A in the course, and her boyfriend still
loves her.
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