The Onion, VOLUME 31 ISSUE 09 12 MARCH 1997
WASHINGTON, DC The U.S. Grammar Guild Monday announced that no
more will traditional grammar rules English follow. Instead
there will a new form of organizing sentences be.
U.S. Grammar Guild according to, the new structure loosely
on an obscure 800-year-old, pre-medieval Anglo-Saxon syntax is
based. The syntax primarily verbs, verb clauses and adjectives
at the end of sentences placing involves. Results this often, to
ears American, a sentence backward appearing.
"Operating under we are, one major rule," said Joyce Watters,
president of the U.S. Grammar Guild. "Make English, want we,
more archaic and dignified sounding to be, as if every word
coming from the tongue of a centuries-old, mystical wizard, is."
Brief pause Watters made then a. "Know I, know I," said she.
"Confusing sounds it, but every American used to it soon will be."
At a press conference recent greeted warmly the new measure by
"No longer will we adhere to the dull, predictable structure of
our traditional grammar system. This nation will now begin speaking,
writing and listening to something fresh, exciting and different,"
"Excuse me," added he pause long after a. "Meant I, the dull,
predictable system our traditional grammar of adhere to no longer
will we. Speaking, writing and listening to something fresh, exciting
and different will this nation now begin."
This week beginning, America across, all dictionaries, thesauruses
and any other books or objects with any sort of writing upon it or
in it revised to fit the new syntax will be. Libraries assure people
wish to that the transition promptly begin will, but that patient
people should be, as so much to change there is.
"Feel good it will make people to know for all these changes that,
librarians cold, crabby and as paranoid and overprotective of their
books and periodicals as ever remain will," said Yvonne Richter,
Director of the Library of Congress.
The enthusiasm of government officials despite, many Americans about
the new plan upset are. "Why in the world did they do this?" a New
Canaan, CT, insurance salesman, said Brent Pryce. "There's absolutely
no reason. It's utterly pointless and will cause total chaos
throughout the country, not to mention the fact that it will cost
billions of dollars to implement. And what's this U.S. Grammar Guild,
anyway? I've never heard of it."
When of this complaint informed, government officials that they
could not the man's words understand said, because of the strange,
unintelligible way of speaking he was.