New Barbie Dolls
Sister Mary Barbie
This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for
genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a
black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull
the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a
vow of silence
Admin Barbie
Works twenty-hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary),
and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that
actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string
on her back and she'll Schedule+ a meeting with your other dolls,
replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and
a move and order airline tickets for Director Ken
Temp Barbie
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic
Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes
untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out
why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff
envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a
liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing
cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code
revisions which need to be collated.
Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults
and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for
all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her
left hand ring finger).
Twelve-Step Barbie
Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm
an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a
30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.
Barbies We'd Like To See
Birkenstock Barbie
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals.
Made from recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie
Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake
blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership,
pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to
men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased
separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make
ends meet.
Our Barbies Ourselves
Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs,
her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female
anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly,
non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual
responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys,
expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman
has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.
Rebbe Barbie
So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe
Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver
kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of
Barbie Townhouse.
Homegirl Barbie
Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with
gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and
she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and
"You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and
condescending White people.
Transgender Barbie
Formerly known as G.I. Joe
Robotic Barbie
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine!
After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike
heels anyway!"
Dinner Roll Barbie
A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly,
generous tits and ass, and voluminous thighs to show girls that
voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of
dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a
brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt
reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have
joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all,
both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins,
Malibu tans and synthetic breasts. If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other
Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities:
Melrose Place Barbie
Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the
rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of
vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman
This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what
conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails
while shoeing a horse.
America's Most Wanted Barbie
She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.
Oprah Barbie
Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very
own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina
Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.
My So-Called Barbie
She faces the same
troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect
bods, pools, and ponies.
Roseanne Barbie
The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows
what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and
ate too much.
Murder, Barbie Wrote
Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in
the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.